Freewrite

Bee Gees - I Started A Joke, Ben Folds Five - The Luckiest, Bob Marley - I'm A Rainbow Too (Fatboy Slim remix)


Here it is for us to see. Not for the faint at heart, but rather its the thought that counts, right? Well, if you are like most people, it first comes as a shock. But as the warmth from the people that are gathered in your name, you soon start to realized that this is bigger then anything you have ever seen. Soon we will all want the gift that was at one time dismeal to say the least. What is this so called glories gift that we all must see. I wish it was just that easy. I once thought that even telling this story was going to be a big task. THe phrase of just never finding the right word to describe what you seen, felt, and now believe, was going to be near impossible. That was at first, but what I soon realized was with time I chareshed it even more.

I walked down to you house to see if you were outside, maybe swinging on that porch swing one see's so often in movies. Her house was not you call movie martierl. Not that the house its self was in any way neglected. It just had a character to it that yelled I am human. I see no one. What if I could have been 10 years old seeing you for the second time. Would you believe me if I told you we met 10 years in the future? Probably not. I would have believed it myself if it didnt happen to me. I was sleeping in my room. The next morning I woke up in my childhood home. Far removed from the city I became so accustomed by, to a small country home in the midwest. I loved my childhood, but why now? I am not sure if I want to be 15 again. I feel that this has now become a dream. But as I walk around and really start to feel that this is reality, and what I use to know is now a dream. Back and forth from reality and and dream like settings. I want to wake up, but can't.

From a time I could remember the smell, to now, all I can do is get this sense of security. I am not reminded of this as offten as I would wish. But today I came across it when I had almost forgot about it completely. She came into my life just shortly after my mother died. I was reluctant to let this lady in my life. My mother will be the only mother I let into my life, and now that she is gone, I choose wether to include her or not.

*I am stoned on Christmas eve, shame on me.

Franz Schubert - Ave Maria x3


Its then from now I hear it so clearly, the time ticking away. I want to feel something that I cant not explain. To the people that hurt me, to the people that I hurt. from the place I can not recall. I was there when I was young. I was there when the air was so new. I went back in time, when there was something to explain. you were there, an army of one. No more. I can not take it further. I was alive. Helpless from the moment I walked into your life. here and there. I walked and ran when I could not think. I want to make a life when I heard the sound. Sounds of silence. Why is this happening to me? My brother that I never had. can you see the light that is cast upon my shadow. The letters of the unspoked word come across to me at a time when there is nothing to discuss. Conversations that lead us to answers that should never be answered. The phone rings with a caustic smell. Yes, there is an oder to a sound and its reverberating though my mind. Blinded by a light that which cast shadows on my inner thoughts. I call her, her name is a foresight of nothing. I want to speak a laungauge that no one understands. Go and see the world that everybody speaks of. I see nothing my lord. I see nothing. Help me to seek the things I fear. God, this is a plea that I seek. I paid nothing and want redemption. When is it that I will further my knowledge of the truth. The air is stale and caustic. I rummage though old photos of my past. There is Jessica, my first love. Where are you? I seeked you on more then one occasions. I play a song for you, you cant hear me, but I hear you. I once thought that I was the master of all... God I am sorry for thinking this way. You are the master of my world. You are the mast of everybodys world. fearful of a world inwhich you command. Explain this to me, master; where am I supposed to go? I want to see things that hurt me, and condemn them to hell. I know this is your job but I want to help you. Help me. Thoughtless to myself, thoughtless in a place known only by me. please help me.

*Drunk blogging... its even better then those drunk dialers.

Ringside - Tired Of Being Sorry, Fall Out Boy - Dance Dance, Muse - Falling Away With You


Too much to decide when you are hung over. Here is to the one that left me for nobody but lonelness. I can't stand to think about that when I feel nothing for her. I feel nothing. God, when is the right time for me? When will I ever be happy. Happy. That is afunny word. I cant remember the last time I was happy. Running thought the fields of tired grass. Tired myself I run no more. There is a lost man in the field. He tells me he seeks refuge from the sorows of his once great life. I ask him why ws his life great? His strong reply made me dumbfounded... He said that he found his love and then he left her. That was the end of that and I continued to run past him in fear that I will be trapped just like him. I ran into another person, and younger lady, maybe 20 years old. She said nothing to me and I walked past in disgust of the oder emiting from here area. I run to see more. I run past a store that looks like its from another era. I look in side and see a old rocking chair. Nobody sitting. well, thats the last thing I remember. As if i awoke to see nothing but my own reflection. Here is to the people that cant recall thier past, and here from now on I see. Just wanting is not enough, gathering the clues can only calm the creatures that call your name. I was reckless, I was the only one calling her name. She cant hear me, she doesnt want to hear me. I just want her to see me, see me cry no more, see me living the life i have. I am bound by nothing more then the landscape that has been embeded in my mind. I chase dreams that are on my mind, chasing but never capturing. I am a captive of my own prison. I see no bars but they are there. They call my name and laugh at me everyday. ha, I say without thinking. ha they retort back to me. feel this, its a cut I made last week, not on purpose you fucking moron. I hate that, when all else is nothing but a fly soon to take off. I watch them from a far and soon i will join them. I will never find it in myself...

Elton John - Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body, DJ Rankin - Stuck On You



here I am agian at my computer. I thought too much on the reason why I am here. here is at my parents home in sacramento. I could be here because of givin curcumstances that are not that unresonable. Fuck it. I say I too much and not enough you. You are the reason why. The reason I cant come up with. Today on the commuter train I saw to faggots sitting with thier legs crossed - that of a women would hold her self sitting on the train. I am not offended by gays, I just dont understande them, nor should I have to. Going downtown is such a drag. Too many people that dont give a fuck about life or the things the should give a fuck about. I watched too much televison in my younger years, I feel it destoried me in so many ways. So, heres to the tv exs that made me education such a worthy one. Friends that once held me to my word are now gone. Its as if they disapeared into the black hole we call society. I felt so much pain then and now I dont care either way. I wanted to work but I left that to the people that make thier life a living hell. Hell, where the fuck is it? I figure its in the bowles of the earth. Fire and much screeming adorns the walls of hell. how did I get on the subject of hell? Greyhound stations are abountiful in california, although they always seem to be in the shittiest places, barestow, bakersfield, fresno, and kettlemen city. Kettlemen city? Where is that you might ask, its inbetween hell and hell. Ok that was unfair, not all california is hell. Just LA. Ha, that was a luaugh when not expected. I want to further my truth in finding whatever it is that I need. I need drugs, and not the type that makes me think that I am a fucking whako... I feel that way sober. Soberity is a wounderful thing, thats why I want to be drunk right now. I dont have anything to drink nor do I have money to purchase anything. Its a good thing I dont have money, becasue I would be plastered right now. So I guess thats what I should do, get a job like everyother fucking ass hole in america and get wasted everynight. I may come in hungover but thats life and also what asprin is for. Asprin, I am sure was created to cure hangovers. Some dumb fuck came into biology class and siad I want to feel better after last night(last night was a huge party at the Alpa Kia Kia house, those women were so loose, even a nered as myself could get laid with little ease.) and siad that need to make something to cure this. And from then, asprin was born. Tonight I give praise to that guy, who ever the fuck you were. it may for all...

Bright Eyes - The First Day Of My Life, Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down, Jack White Wayfaring Stranger.

here is a time to be the kid I always wanted to be. I looked though it from a tellascope to see the stars but all I saw was dust. Dust that could not be wiped off How could they behave in the manner that took only a matter of time. I want to see history repeat its self as it did in the past. Hey, remember that time we could only see so much though the fogged windows? I do and I remember the look on your face. If you could only seen the way I felt about you. Driving with the windows down in the middle of january. The cold breeze felt so good. i thought about the times spent with out you and I only want to relive the past with you. I could not relive the past with you now.... but soon I could. Soon, my dear we will not have to worry. I think about you, do you think about me? I thought about kiling myself. No really, I contemplated it one too many times. I felt that if I could just spen one more night that maybe it wouldnt matter that I would only want to spend a lifetime with you. I met another women the other day. She invited me in for coffee but I declinded. I talked to her the other day and she ended up be a fucking whako. She got mad that I didnt call her. I told her that I only wanted to fuck her. So, while I took the time to look up your address, I wanted to send you a chistmas gift. I spent a good time at the mall and decided that you deserved more then something I could buy at the mall. I partied last night. maybe a little too much. I woke up in a ditch and it wasnt in front of my house. Why is this hard to get past? I thought and then I figued I thought too much. Here is a thing for you, I am not sure what they call it. Maybe its a keyboard but I can not see... I lost my eye sight the other day and I believe its because I lost you. See, that wasnt so bad. My eyes really do hurt, but you knew all along that I wasnt blind. But how must I continue with out you? Will I ever really find someone? Here and now I found nothing before me to see a difference that makes me know. I and them and when its apparent that I cant type no more then I will bleed all over this keyboard and sue you. But thats only when I am blind from all the dust being lifted into the air. Ha, thats all she said. When I confornted her about the other guy she merely told me that its just that... nothing more and nothing less. But how? How can you? I loved you when we met and now I dont love you, but I do love you. Dont confuse me missy... she hates it when I call her missy. Wouldnt you? so there